SketchUp crashes when I try to open anything

Cannot thank @colin enough for all his help! That was definitely a problem I would have never solved on my own! I’ve got a drink of your choosing whenever you’d like.

You can join me in the long line of people waiting to buy @colin a drink at Basecamp. Better get ready Colin.

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I will practice a lot between now and then.

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This worked great!

My problem was with Sketchup 2019–the C++ Redistributables were actually not installed with the program at all, even over multiple re-installs. When attempting to open a file, Sketchup would give a Bug Splat with no additional information.
Installing (and then uninstalling) Sketchup Pro 2021 installed the correct C++ Redistributables needed and allowed Sketchup 2019 to work normally!